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Scary Close by Donald Miller

Status: Completed (226 pages)

Recommend: No

Review:
This is the 3rd book of Miller's I've read, and I'm OH SO grateful that the first book I read by the author was not this one. If it was, I may have written him off and not found my way to Blue Like Jazz, the first book by this author I read. Alas, Blue was first, and it's a masterpiece, so much so that I've slogged through 2 other, lesser books by Donald Miller. I haven't reviewed Blue yet, so I want to keep mentioning it in case I never come around to it -- READ THAT BOOK!

Miller's books are self-help books. They strive to help the reader find themselves, at least their better selves which he believes exist in us, or are at least available to us. I say this because his language is frank, light, anecdotal, and upbeat. Using language that's available means our better selves are available in the same way. The topic of this book - relationships - is an area of our lives which is exceedingly improved if we bring our true selves. So the motive and the topic are prime for success.

It just doesn't get there for me. I don't come along on the ride with the author has he walks through his journey. His friends are too famous, his resources are too elite, his problem is not damaging enough. I was thrilled with Blue because he brought spirituality into the mix frequently - indeed, into the solution of his daily living. His brand was Christian, but the brand does not matter. I stayed in his other work because he repeatedly showed how spiritual principles could be used in all aspects of life. Really he showed me how our problems were problems of spirituality. So I rather expected something similar in Scary Close. But he didn't give that. He sort of stumbled around the edges of psychology, giving reasons why closeness and intimacy are vital for relationships, and exploring a few (non-spiritual) causes for his inability to get close with women.

I suspect the cause of the shortcomings of the book is that which he refers to in the book itself - his fame. And I don't begrudge him his fame. But we get a watered-down piece of work that will sell even though it has no substance. It's talking points and not action points. It's focused on the result and not the path. It's topical, it's skin-deep, it's an abstract, a summary, it's unoriginal and unhelpful. It's a warning for letting our lives become too busy, too full, too big. We lose things when that happens. Our focus, our soul, our drive is finite, but it's powerful. When used for what's truly important (which is a very personal choice), it can do anything. It can bring about the ultimate in satisfaction, in joy, in happiness, in love. But we can get ahead of ourselves thinking more more more - more people to bring satisfaction to, more people to bring joy to, more people to bring happiness to. But this work reminds me my scope should perhaps be focused, small, intimate. I love all, and I welcome all, and I don't purposely shrink my circle - but I also don't add just because I'm giving so much to everyone now. At some point it becomes diluted. It just has to, even if we have the best intentions.

So I remain grateful for the opportunity to give everything I have to those God has blessed me with, and I try my best not to decide who is next to get my heart and soul. I remain willing to give when that day comes, trusting that the natural addition will come at a time when dilution is far from reality. For the alternative is to give uninspiring, lackluster, unfulfilling amounts of myself. I don't believe we're here to give that to anyone.

Good Quotes:
Those who can't accept their imperfections can't accept grace either. (pg 45)

...a soul fully integrated, no difference between his act and his actual person. Having integrity is about being the same person on the inside that we are on the outside, and if we don't have integrity, life becomes exhausting. (pg 65)

It just requires being myself and showing up. (pg 67)

...let me know what the dominant enemy of any relationship is. It's dishonesty, and specifically the dishonesty involved in being a manipulative person. (pg 100)

Characters only change when they live through a story. (pg 101)

The Five Categories Of Manipulation: 1. The Scorekeeper 2. The Judge 3. The False Hero 4. The Fearmonger 5. The Flopper

My hope is such a fierce pruning will help create a strong and tender man who understands himself and people and the nature of love better than he ever could have before he made his mistakes. I believe in such miracles. (pg 127)

I am willing to sound dumb.
I am willing to be wrong.
I am willing to be passionate about something that isn't perceived as cool.
I am willing to express a theory.
I am willing to admit I'm afraid.
I'm willing to contradict something I've said before.
I'm willing to have a knee-jerk reaction, even a wrong one.
I'm willing to apologize.
I'm perfectly willing to be perfectly human. (pg 148)

...to get people to love me I'd walk away from people altogether. (pg 174)

Frankl...(said) what man really wanted was a deep experience of meaning. Man woke up wanting to feel a sense of gratitude for the experience they were having, a sense of purpose and mission and belonging. (pg 182)

If a man has no sense of meaning, Frankl argued, he will numb himself with pleasure. (pg 183)

"Don, all relationships are teleological." I asked him what the word teleological meant. "It means they're going somewhere," Al said. "All relationships are living and alive and moving and becoming something." (pg 193)

I'd made the mistake of becoming a reactionary in my relational life. I let friendships, business relationships, and even my relationship with Betsy take a natural course rather than guiding them to a healthy place. (pg 194)

...I think I'm supposed to contribute something to the people around me and create an environment where healthy relationships can flourish. (pg 202)

"That's going to drive you crazy, Don," she said. "Just ask yourself if you're happy and what you want in a relationship and that's it. What's going on in other people's minds is none of your business." (pg 208)

Instead, they loved each other as an act of their conscious will. (pg 211)

In other words, I'm convinced every person has a longing that will never be fulfilled and it's our job to let it live and breathe and suffer within it as a way of developing our character. (pg 213)

I don't know if there's a healhier way for two people to stay in love than to stop using each other to resolve their unfulfilled longings and, instead, start holding each other closely and they experience them. (pg 216)

For some, becoming capable of intimacy is as difficult as losing a hundred pounds. It involves deconstructing old habits, overcoming the desire to please people, telling the truth, and finding satisfaction in a daily portion of real love. (pg 217)

...pulled him aside and explained love was a decision, that it was as much something you made happen as it was something that happened to you. (pg 224)

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